I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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