but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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