I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
