The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize