What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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