hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
