If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
