Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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