i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize