I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
