I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize