I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so let's talk penis.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
