check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
