Moan for me like Helen Keller
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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