He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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