Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
