was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
