My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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