the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
