I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
