I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
