I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
