We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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