im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
