so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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