Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
