I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
