I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
