the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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