dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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