I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
