cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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