I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
