Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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