nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
