My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
