they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
