Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
