I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
