She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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