I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
