nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
