Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
