so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
