i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
