My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Randomize
