I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
