Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
