I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
