This is not my ceiling
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
