you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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