Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
