so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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