Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
