I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize