Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
