We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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