I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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