I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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