I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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