That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
