i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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