One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
being pregnant is like rehab
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
