Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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