Where did you get a picture of my penis
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
