So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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