my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
