We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
