half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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