I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
