I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
