I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
