just come out here and I will go home with you...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
