my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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